Albert Semple, Poet

ALT They pelted cops with bricks and eggs. They stole some sausage rolls from Greggs. They looted Shoezone for some Crocs. They snorted powder, threw some rocks. They showed their Nazi-themed tattoos, They stole some supermarket booze, Some sparkly bath bombs, mobile phones. They battered Muslim shops and homes. They set a roadblock, caused a queue, With only English cars let through. Attacking people, brown and black. They think they're taking England back.

ALT The Many Unsuccessful Invasions of Maybole by Albert Semple, 25 July 2024 ____ The Romans invaded  and came to explore, But never got south  of the Minishant Store. The Normans came next  with their thousands of men But stopped at the Kirk  coming up Coral Glen. Napoleon's navy  were here on campaign But scuttled their boats  by the beach at Culzean. And even the VAT man when taxes were owed, Was kicked up the arse And sent back up the road.  A German, a Russian,  A Viking, a Pole:  Would sooner retreat  Than lay siege to Maybole. The Spanish Armada,  the Spartans from Greece: They heard of Maybole  and turned back at Dumfries. The Minniebole people  repelled each attack, Remained undefeated,  and sent them all back. But one thing that causes  their blood to run cold, The one thing that causes young men to look old: Their legs turn to jelly, they feel insecure, When faced with a crabbit wee lass from Dunure.

ALT Elizabeth Truss, Elizabeth Truss, You threw our economy under a bus. The pleasure you gained from your grift was immense While cosplaying Thatcher at public expense. The hedge fund directors, Elizabeth Truss, They threw you a dinner, and gave you a fuss. They let you believe that your judgement was sound, While back in the shadows they shorted the pound. The pig farms are thriving, Elizabeth Truss, The markets in China you opened for us. Our choice of fromage was disgraceful you said, Then off to Kiev with a bear on your head. We hope you got pleasure from governing us, First Lord of the Treasury, 'lizabeth Truss. You came by surprise but you didn't stay late, The shortest prime minister's tenure to date. Oh Trussabeth Liz, oh Trussabeth Liz You taught us what Tory austerity is: Its gifts for the rich and derision for us. So thanks for your service, Elizabeth Truss.

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