If you're married to someone who takes care of you, and is a good parent to your children, then you've won the game. There isn't anything out there that you're missing. You've already found what you're supposed to find. So many people ruin their lives with a vague sense of dissatisfaction that is entirely constructed within their own minds. You're not going to find the answer by separating from your spouse, ruining your children's lives, partying, sleeping with strangers, "finding yourself" by taking a plane staring into the dead gas lamp sky of a thousand cities that all look the same in the heat of your misguided misery. I've blown my life enough to know that I'm skillful enough to recreate my own personal hell no matter the circumstances. Stop trying to find the answer by running away. It's time to stay. Stay. You need to love harder. Explore what you already possess. Possess more only to give and enrich the life you currently have. Take responsibility for something important to you. Start a business. Take care of a relative. Be a better friend. Be a better parent. Create something beautiful. Love some more. Everything else is a dead end.

non-chalantness thrives because people's digital realities hold as much weight in their lives as physical. the digital universe has cheapened the display of real emotion. on any day, your peers and the greater internet casts a verdict on you. expressing emotions IRL has costs when its recorded. the default is that everybody is performing on camera instead of being given the benefit of doubt. that verdict of insincerity carries weight and repercussion in our world. so you curb yourself and how you react. a feigned composure bc the actual fear lowkey is you yourself are unsure if you're also performing bc the camera is on. prolly bc you can't even remember the last special occasion where a phone wasn't there. but where is that cost charged to? easy, your soul. every time you curb yourself by a little bit to not only appease those around you, but also an amorphous unseen audience. that makes your interiority at little smaller. and to cope with that pain, resentment is a cheap fix. it becomes easy to hate. there's no accountability, there's a temporary elevation in being able to point and talk down. and it compounds! because now, if one can hate fluently, you can even be rewarded for it. you can become the voice of "common sense" saying that which others, with similar resentment, are feeling. you can be lauded for a discernment unearned by doing, but just by pointing. and so the next time you see someone express genuine emotion in real life, you're uncomfortable. there's no comment section for you to voice the unsettling feeling. so then maybe you sidebar in a groupchat with some mutuals. maybe you hide your face and laugh it off. maybe you try scanning the eyes of everyone else in the crowd for a shared glance of "hey are we seeing the same thing, embarassing huh" and as such the cycle repeats. and we're left in a world where our interiority has shrunken that we can no longer hosts others in our lives as guests in our hearts. and we would have lost the joy of enjoying our lives and joy for others.