Tomorrow is my four year wedding anniversary.. so this morning I asked James if he was glad he married me and he responded with “yeah I married you for your personality because looks fade and we will get old and ugly and you will probably be bald.”

Having a birthday chat with my dad about how dads take a “maternity leave” nowadays vs when @cpridmore21 and I were being born. His response: “I went in, I cut the cord… I went in the room and changed a diaper. Then I said put it on a titty- I gotta go rock” - Scott Pridmore

I got invited out to drinks after a meeting tonight. My actual response to the invitation was as follows: “Oh no thanks. I’ve gotten used to drinking alone at home. It’s my safe place”. I’ll let y’all know if I get invited back.

I have made an executive decision that for my funeral I don’t want a bunch of sad songs and shit... I only want a collection of tik tok videos that accurately depict my personality to play on repeat while people walk through a line of wax replicas of myself giving high fives.

Me: “James, if something were to ever happen to you I would never re-marry. I would just take your life insurance money and buy a baby monkey.” James: “UConn women have been to thirteen straight final four games. THIRTEEN.”

The joke is on me bc I thought I wanted to get off all my meds this year and give my body a reboot. I’ve been two days without my anxiety meds (by accident).. and I can’t decide if I want to cry in my closet or take a bat to the nearest car... Or commit homicide. Maybe all three.

It’s like God said “a permanent lupus flare up in 2020 won’t be enough. Let’s give this bitch a bulging disc that’s puncturing her spinal cord & also a dependency on alcohol.. & her name will be Chase but she will also be known as Chad.. and this females life will be a shit-show”

Me to my mom today: “not to sound like an ungrateful bitch, but I think I am depressed” My mom: “welcome to adulthood”

Came up with the best idea tonight. A hot dog competition, but rather than eating hot dogs we drink wine. Last person standing wins a million dollars. Y’all are all fucked.

My weight fluctuates so much my car knows me as driver 1, 2 and 3. 🙄

People are fucking crazy.

I feel like I’m living in a shitty reproduction of Bird Box. If ppl aren’t dying, they are going fucking insane. And if they aren’t going insane, they are oblivious as shit to everything going on around them. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Plz God someone come teach me makeup in quarantine. I can no longer keep watching these 14 year olds on tik tok transition from Carrot Top to Zendaya and still feel good about myself.

When all this is over can we just go ahead and agree that 10am is the new 8am? Not going back to that bullshit.

Adulthood: a mouse ran over my foot while I was cooking dinner tonight. I screamed, then made an iPhone reminder to go pick up my Xanax tomorrow.

It’s amazing how my husband is always way too tired to give me a back rub before bed, yet somehow manages to stay up 2.5 hours after his week night bed time to watch the national championship game. 🧐

Just looked at my phone notes of what I’ve been writing down I need for Christmas and realized I’m (almost) a full blown adult: an electric toothbrush, an equivalent to Zantac, new underwear, q-tips, pajamas, adderall. :/

If there’s one good thing to come from my colonoscopy this week, it’s that my body will finally get the cleanse it deserves. *sips wine* *eats pie*

Honestly I used to hate winter. But bed by 6 pm is so appealing at this stage of life.

And since I don’t tweet often, I’ll preface that tweet by saying I went into the liquor store this afternoon and the clerk said “hey, is that a new hat? Will that be one bottle or two tonight”.