Simon Goetz

If shortening sentences is wrong, I don't want to be.

Working out isn’t.

Everything is an allusion.

When you date people who aren’t funny, the joke’s on you.

You want a girl who’s magical, then act surprised when she’s a witch.

Humpty Dumpty's girlfriend thinks she can fix him.

Knife collecting: using a knife to open a box that contains a knife.

Dogs have two reasons to like meatballs.

Jesus schlepped

Suspect that your therapist is a vampire? Act sunny.

Google Maps needs a sleep timer

Triplet should be three syllables.

If you kiss someone and get mono, just kiss them again to make it stereo.

Can vampires drink sun tea?

May your love life have more squealing and banging than an old, rusty radiator that’s heating a 6th-floor walk-up in the Lower East Side.

Not sure if your boyfriend is a spider? Count his legs.

Really cool to see so many cities replacing pigeons with bats.

I hope you never feel bad enough to call any kind of hotline.