Told my 9 year old nephew he has L rizz and his shoes look like he bought them in Ohio. He’s crying. Happy Mother’s Day.

I’m at the used book store picking up literary classics and nodding then putting them back down (everyone thinks I am knowledgeable and cool)

Balls were put in hoops, ankles were broke, and homies were kissed. Couldn’t have asked for a better day

It’s 70 degrees out, me and 9 of my whitest friends will be playing basketball at a local elementary school in 1 hour. We will be slapping ass and yelling “and 1” as we brick easy layups. The world is healing

These are cool actually and you are all wrong for thinking otherwise

2012 was crazy cause you could be minding your business and all of a sudden the worst kid you know is posting himself freestyling over hoodie allen beats on facebook and he can’t stop saying the n word every line

The Detroit pistons are better at basketball than the eagles are at football

Spending 45 dollars a month for an AI voice service to make Lois from family guy tell me she believes in me everyday

My nephew got me a Best Uncle Ever mug for Christmas and I’ve been bawling my eyes out like a little girl for 15 mins. Life is cool man

Wrapping presents while watching Family Guy and eating a baconator meal from Wendy’s. There isn’t a single person in the world seizing the day as chill and efficiently as I am. I am the embodiment of the American dream

This exact situation ripped me from the depths of depression multiple times in my late adolescence

OH MY GOD??? DID- DID I DO THIS??

Any presidential candidate that can promise to put Weezer in Fortnite has my vote

Bought an iPhone 15 pro today. Why the fuck does this phone have 120 hz refresh rate? So I can shitpost at 120 frames per second now?

Turning 27 is weird because I’m almost 30, I live on my own, I get excited about things like insurance price decreases. But I also still walk through the toy section at target and say “oh I want that” over and over

*Harry Kalas voice* THAT BALL IS OUTTTTTTAAAAA HERE

BRYCE HARPER MAKES MY PUSSY THROB THATS MY DAD

ATTA BOY HARPER

ME WHEN TREA TURNER TURNS A DIVING DOUBLE PLAY