Bugger.

I can't believe I've been passed over for ANOTHER government job. Starting to wonder if I'm one of the good guys after all.

This instability has gone on long enough. It’s time for the party to choose a new leader.

A reminder to my colleagues in the Conservative government that now would be a great time to bury any good news you have been holding onto.

Waiting by the phone Liz. Can’t wait to get started on anything.

Can I not just get a single bit of positive media coverage for a single one of the dodgy things I’ve done? #mediabias #sounfair

Christ. “Tory MP” is trending again and as usual I’ve come out in a sweat.

Wait. Surely it’s a first-past-the-post system and we’re left with whatever coalition Rishi can put together? It’s the only democratic way. Any other type of election is.. is… My head hurts so much.

I can’t believe after so many metaphorical middle fingers you lot are getting all uptight about one single, actual one.

With great regret it is finally, FINALLY time to tell Boris Johnson that this is his last chance.

This still stands.

Right let’s address the elephant in the room. Getting a blow job at work doesn’t count if you work from home like the PM does.

Phwoaaarrrr!

I can’t believe my good colleague Neil Parish has been outed as the Westminster W**ker. He was supposed to be in incognito mode. I hope he’s not too hard on himself.

Errr, you missed one off the top of the list, surely.

I’d like to be the first to throw my hat into the ring as the next leader of the Conservative party. I’ll probably be second or third but know that I’d like to be the first. #ToryLeadership

Happy 96th birthday #QueenElizabeth. Please tell Boris to answer my calls.

Keir Starmer’s performance at PMQs was a typical lawyerly display. Convicting the accused with evidence time and time again. When will he realise the accused IS the judge. Move on man.

Some people are suggesting that instead of awarding MPs a pay rise they just go outside and clap for us instead. Are they actually kidding me? What a bloody cheek!

Security advice was NOT overruled to award Lord Lebedev his peerage. It was simply ignored. Who are these shady MI6 characters anyway? I had no time for them as Defence Secretary and I certainly have nothing to do with them now. They won't even answer my calls!