Heidi

Mom: your fish is always so still Me: well he has depression Mom: .... Me: *maintains eye contact while crushing up meds to put in his tank*

My 68 year old mom, with no uterus, fertility issues, 3 adopted kids, talking about RFK Jr: “he’s such a nut. I always loved the name Kennedy for a kid and now I can’t use it.”

TLOASG is to Taylor as Connquest is to Conner4Real in Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, and I hope she has one real friend to tell her that her dogshit pancakes are bad.

I hope the girl parked next to me at the gym who threw a plan b box and empty monster can out of her car window has a good day <3

For my birthday I either want a raccoon to show up on my doorstep and claim me as its mother, or Andy Samberg.

I had to have my uterus and the 6.5 pound fibroid attached to it violently ripped from my body, so I can’t leave the couch for 6 weeks. So bored. One like and I will text every man that ghosted me last year.

I’m 100 days sober today, so that’s kind of cool

sometimes I’m like “WOW I can’t believe what a good mood I’m in, I should text every friend I have and tell them I love them, life is so good” and then I remember I took my adderall and this will wear off in four hours