I didn't even know Oral B made a vagina tightener

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a milkshake and he'll turn up in your yard the next day with all of his mates.

I'm the service starter, assembly instigator I'm the Christ addicted, manger illustrated I'm a choir-starter, twisted choir-starter

🎶Tammy works down at the docs, Thinks she is Third Reich, She don't give a fuck, She's tough, so tough🎶 #DoctorsReceptionists

Spent much of a client meeting today totally distracted by Ninja Cats after hearing someone say they’d spent the morning at the vets due to an injured cat. *books a hearing test* – at North West, England

I am also one of those people lucky enough to have two amazing women as part of my life. Such a genuine, honest and caring person who makes my life better in every way and makes me want to be a better person - Mrs Esarty, @LadyLadybrady x #InternationalWomensDay

She didn't change the world. But she looked after me, then showed me how to look after myself - taught me that irrespective of gender, race, lifestyle we are all equals. She may no longer be around, but will always be the greatest woman in my life. #InternationalWomensDay

Worst. Park. Ever.

Hearing these interviews with so many of the medal winners at the Olympics, I’m so pleased that their god was able to help them win a nice shiny trinket. Especially after clearly being far too busy to help any of the victims of Epstein and his vile cohort of rich men.

Since 1989, Sydney Youngblood has had 27 different opportunities to make the world a better place, but refused to take any of them. #PopLies

In 1990, Londonbeat were actually all thinking about your mum at the time, not you. #PopLies

In 1986, Owen Paul's favourite way to waste time was whittling wood and watching 'The Real Ghostbusters' #PopLies

Stevie Wonder has never called to say he loved anyone, as he was never able to find his phone #PopLies

The boyband 5ive came up with that unique spelling after they overheard their manager, on numerous occasions, telling people how much he hated that F in Five #PopFacts – at Poynton, England

The Def Leppard hit "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is about Joe Elliott’s coming out as dextrosexual. #PopFacts – at Poynton, England

"You can reach me by sailboat Climb a tree and swing rope to rope Take a sled and slide down the... ...oh, hang on a minute Margaret, I think Google Maps is playing up again"

Roses are red And so are my hands And my face And the walls So much blood Blood everywhere The voices want more blood #HappyValentinesDay

Roses are red Concrete don’t bend This makes no sense Fuck it, send. #ValentinesDay – at Cheadle, England

Roses are red Violets are blue I got 99 problems But colourblindness ain’t one – at Poynton, England