B.C. Schrödinger

Frankly, I’m tired of the post-mortem. I just wanna grill.

7 years ago today, I left home for a business trip, and nearly didn’t make it back home alive. I had been an anxious mess for a year. I had always struggled with anxiety before that, but it reached a fever pitch after the birth of my firstborn. A lot was weighing on me. I was terrified because I was able to game out on my head where things were heading with our country. I had been saying that things would heat up, the country would become more divided and possibly civil war would break out, for the last ten years. Yet as the signs multiplied, I didn’t see anyone waking up to reality. I realized my peers were trapped in hedonistic nihilism, and on top of it all, I was convinced I was going to ruin my family. It’s hard to explain what this did to me, beyond saying I was stuck in a state of derealization. Driving along the ridge of a hill would make me feel like I was about to fall off the edge of the earth, or like I could sense the unrendered simulation beyond the limits of my vision. I would have intrusive thoughts about dangling my child over a 30 story balcony and watching her slip out of my hands, or of jerking the wheel, crashing through the guard rail and plummeting to my death. I was both terrified of death, and ready for my suffering to end. A couple of days later, I was ready to kill myself at a motel in a small town an hour outside New York City, yet I was also more desperate to win the fight than I had ever been. It was a really shitty week to experience this by the way, as pretty much my entire support system was involved with a multi-day conference, and unable to lend an ear when I needed it the most. But, God makes no mistakes, he wanted me to find strength in isolation, I remember screaming to God at the top of my lungs for the strength to fight just one more day. That night I committed to suffering every single day for the sake of my family. I would bear all the pain, instead of passing it on to them. After days of overcast weather, the next morning was bright and sunny, and I looked at this cheap picture on the wall, and felt peace like I had never felt before. I wish I could say that things got immediately easier, but they didn’t. The more I got control of my anxiety about the big, undefinable things, the closer I got to the source of it all, and the more narrow my anxiety became. It got to the point where I couldn’t even drive a car without feeling like I was going to have a stroke and crash my car, dying in the blink of an eye. But never once did I back down. It was my life, and I was not going to lose to my own stupid brain. I’m so much stronger now than I could have ever imagine, praise be to God the Father. I have 4 kids, and I’m beginning to see the fruit of my persistence. I run my own business, I volunteer my time with my local community, and I have my sights set on other big goals. If I had killed myself, I would have never realized what I’m made of. No longer do I resent God for putting me in a time that I feel so out of place in. Instead I accept that I have a role to play in shaping the future. He counsels me that my dissatisfaction with things in my personal life, and at large are in fact an intentional crafting of a personality that will not be swept away in modernity’s current. NEVER. EVER. KILL. YOURSELF. FIGHT.

I’ve been thinking lately about how when you look at America’s history, it could be theorized that we’ve been fighting subversives the entire time. People who were assigned for the founding would have witnessed the first changes to voter qualifications. I haven’t searched for it, but I’m sure there were contemporaries warning this would destroy our country. And, when destruction didn’t sweep the country overnight, those people would have been written off. Ellis island migration, Joseph McCarthy and the 19th all riled up the most discerning individuals at that time. It’s only by performing a posthumous investigation of Rome that historians can trace its downfall. But to do that in your lifetime requires the ability to trace cause and effect over generations, as well as the ability to game out what effects will materialize as a consequence of your generations mistakes. Many lack not only the ability, but the interest in doing so. Those that do, hinder their communication of these ideas by their own assuredness (talking about myself here too). There’s great power in fiction and questions, which both remove the implied victor/loser dynamic that comes along with debating ideas forthright. It’s clear to me that we got in this mess by a multi-hundred years long chain of cause and effect, but to the average person with state education, it isn’t, because they’ve been told the exact opposite, and they have historical examples of people being “chicken little” to point to.

Who up plotting they rise to power?

I was young, but I vividly remember the first time I heard the phrase “implicit bias”. It was shortly after 9/11. Communist talking heads on some news program we’re talking about it. I don’t remember for certain whether or not they directly linked it to Muslims, but they used Americans’ rightful distrust of towelheads to accuse everyone of being evil racists. I saw my first hijab in real life not that long afterwards.

Hard no. We got into this mess in the first place, by feeding those I capable of feeding themselves and their own.

To escape the fear of death, which is a prerequisite to our victory, you must appreciate the only thing you have. This moment.

The left just created 1000 Hitlers

Lot of our guys could learn from this.

This is the man (and the goons in the GC) who completed my redpill journey. Eternally indebted to you, Vincent. Thank you.