Funny Quotes

A blond texts a brunette 'What does IDK mean' the brunette replies 'I Don't Know' then the blond replies: 'No one seems to know'

I've been getting plenty of sex lately... LIFE fucks me on a regular basis.

Apparently some don't realize that you can see through glass. Therefore... Stop picking your nose while driving!

Asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred, and the most popular answer was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"

Does anyone else wonder how a dog turd gets that twist on the end?

You mess with me or my family, you mess with the whole trailer park!

"That's a cool chair." "Yeah, I know. It rocks."

Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this".

It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

"My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)"

Txted my GF while partying in Vegas saying "Hi Hun,I'm enjoying a lot,wish u were her"after that I realized what a spelling mistake could do

I can't believe the crazy sh*t people do. I was sitting in church and this b*tch next to me lit a cigarette! I nearly dropped my beer!

Sex is like a restaurant.Sometimes u get excellent service, sometimes u get very poor service, sometimes u just have 2 settle 4 self-service

"Guys are like a snow storm, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last."

"If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other."

"I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..."

"If you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step..."

This world is coming to an end... Volcanoes, floods, earthquakes, Justin Bieber...

"I just created a facebook page for my right hand so I can tell the world I'm in a relationship with it."

"The ultimate rejection would be to have your hand fall asleep while your masturbating!"