joshhaness

The most effective way to get friends to come out & celebrate your birthday is to tell them it’s your last one.

My landlord died. To honor him, my rent will be at half-check.

If I won the $1.7B powerball jackpot I’d get rid of that usb-to-car cigarette lighter adapter for my iPod and upgrade to a 3.5mm-to-lightning aux. cable.

Rather than navigate the DMV website to apply for a “Real ID”, I’ve decided to move to Iran.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Teach a man how to Dougie and you get your teaching certification revoked.

A self-driving Jaguar has stopped, holding up all the cars in the middle of a Whole Foods parking lot. This is Waymo problematic than we imagined.

Our love affair with firearms has become guncontrollable.

My dad used to be a Greek god. If he found out that I’ve never been to the ocean, he’d be Poseidon self.

If you took all the people waiting in line for In-N-Out, sneakers, video games and 7-11 lottery tickets you’d have a workforce.

Got fist-bumped by a gal. Haness: 0, Friendzone 1,378

If you get arrested in Hollywood, you should slate during your mugshot. #Hollywood

Kids raised on their phones become screenagers.

available name for breakfast/brunch establishment: “Cereal Crêpeist”

This whole plane thing is so Qatarded.

A knock-off article of clothing is a counterfit.

Can’t believe Celine Dion never did a Dion covers album. ‘Dion does Dion.’ What a gyp. Wasted talent…

Oooh, “Alto Nights!” Another mafia movzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Next terrorist attack on U.S. soil, Biden gets to say “Not it!”

Everything that comes out of Trump’s mouth is about as nonsensical as a level 1 improv class showcase.

I swatted at a spider. It got away among some of my coats hanging on the rack. I am now the villain in this bug’s ‘John Wick’ film.