Geekfill

Macho does not prove mucho.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

All men are equal before fish.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.