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Retweets are not necessarily an endorsement.
But for the right amount of money, they can be.
Crazy seeing that guy from Impractical Jokers defending his title at the Hot Dog Eating Contest. #July4th
Remember when white people would rather just keep their political opinions to themselves?
Pepperidge farm remembers
I don’t know anything about a zombie virus, but how hilarious would it be if this plays out similar to the Brown Note episode of South Park…#EmergencyAlertSystem
Why does everyone at this @HickoryCrawdads game that isn’t a player look like @JonReep from 2004?
Anyone else feel like we’re just watching extras on set of SpaceBalls walking around between takes instead of #CrewDragon?
So I guess the government’s plan to combat the Coronavirus is to give everyone $1200, which is roughly the equivalent to four rolls of toilet paper and 2 bottles of hand sanitizer.
Move over toilet paper, now that school has been cancelled for two weeks I predict that wine is next.
Well Twitter, it only took me about 3 seconds on here to remind me why I don’t much bother logging in anymore...
If you start wrapping the presents before 1am on Christmas morning, are you even doing Christmas right?
(Going around the table saying what we’re thankful for)
My daughter: I’m thankful for my family, my friends, Jesus and turkey.
My son: I thankful for Ethan the dump truck, Mickey Mouse and Captain America!
My wife, now thinking about @ChrisEvans: Amen!
My parents, calling about our trip to a little log cabin way back in the woods: “So, how was your first night?”
Me, flashbacking to late last night getting attacked by a bat in the bedroom after everyone had already laid down: “Do you remember the movie The Great Outdoors?”
Quizzing my daughter on her geography lesson:
Me: Name the countries that are in North America
Her: United States, Canada, Mexico, Greenland and...Florida?
Me: Well sometimes it seems that way.