Johnny Proctor

I get asked a lot ‘so what kind of books do you write?’ which always leaves me struggling for a concise answer because how do you even start to cover twelve novels? I’ve written coming of age books about teenage casuals finding raves and ecstasy and wanting to walk away from violence. I’ve *also* written books about football players with their *main motivation* of violence when walking onto the pitch each Sunday. Stories of drug deals gone wrong, nut-jobs who can’t take a wide YouTube comment without making it a whole thing, tales of improbable rises through the international underworld from a Scottish petty criminal’s POV, a battle for dominance in Edinburgh between drug dealing gangs, stick up crews robbing them, corrupt detectives and newly arrived in the country Somalis … and all ending with the recent two books following a certain character on his very stupid DJ tour of Latin America. So, instead because of that, I kind of end up coming out with some of the stuff below ⬇️ If you’ve read some / all of my books and are trying to tell your mates about what you’ve been reading lately, probably just direct them to this tweet because in this clickbait world they’ll either be nodding their heads at casuals, ravers, psychotic Sunday league players and narcos straight away or not! *** Early 90’s casuals. Dressers. Ecstasy. Scottish rave culture. > Zico with three months in Ibiza. Colombian sicarios. Scouse gangsters. Euro 96. > Barlinnie HMP. Unhinged inmate. Space Ibiza. Peruvian cocaine traffickers. Zico in Amsterdam. Ajax F-Side. > Psychotic Sunday league football team. Petty criminal fruit machine stringer. House robbery gone wrong. Edinburgh underworld kingpin playing puppet master. An emotional end of the Sunday league season. > Chronicle of a ‘narco dad’s life’. Alternative take on the Zico trilogy, from an alternative view. Colorado ADX Supermax setting. Intertwined between prison setting and a Washington Post interview with contributions from characters from the Zico trilogy. > An unfortunate webcam wank. Edinburgh Dark web drug dealing crew. Deal gone wrong with large debt left. An improbable multi sport accumulator, amongst other attempts to repay the debt. > An internationally on the run - and renowned - psycho takes internet comments too seriously. An Edinburgh copper and Europol detective pairing from hell. Hibs CCS. A return of a high ranked gangland character from Muirhouse. > Sunday league goes European. Muirhouse players and officials in Magaluf for two weeks. Holidaying Russians and Albanians, and their interest in Muirhouse Violet. > Edinburgh melting pot of drug dealers, stick up crews and corrupt detectives, all trying to stay on top. Somalis trying to enter the equation. Inter-connecting story that ties them all together across two novels. > The return of Zico from books 1-3. A house music DJ tour of Latin America that is neither wise or advised. Sex scandals with celebrities. Eventful tour stops in Mexico & Colombia. Mexican and Colombian cartels. Sicarios green-lit. DEA agents watching on it all. I’ll see you in 2026 for book 13 🧡

Happy birthday to the love of my life and my best mate 🧡🖤 *And also someone who has a birthday on the one day of the year where it’s practically impossible to forget because of the 5th of November song!

Wasn’t joking.

This conveniently overlooks how Daniel Larusso stole the ‘bully’s’ girl, soaked his joint with a hose and was a general pain in the arse when he moved to the area. The boy must’ve had some press officer to gain the amount of sympathy that he did.

Will never forget this match. At school during the day I got into something with my music teacher and she gave me some lines. Spoke back some more and the lines ended up progressing to a full jotter, needed written out and returned the next day. But I had the United UEFA Cup match that night. My auntie - the absolute angel - sat and wrote my lines for me while me and my uncle went to Tannadice. I think my teacher was so gutted to see me come back the next day with the jotter filled out on every page that she forgot to check the handwriting.

David Dickinson refereeing.

Has a football player ever scored an - as good as - identical goal, in two consecutive matches? Same build up. Same player crossing, same *cross*, same header and same player scoring. Thought that it looked similar to Aberdeen on Saturday at the time but that’s well past a bit more than similar.

Are we chartering a plane for the Dundee United fans for the inevitable pre-season friendly in Baghdad this summer? Because I am IN 🇮🇶

I was totally joking, btw. Our midfield is woeful and if you’re connected to any other team than Dundee United I wouldn’t even waste your time looking at our players.

Zidane Iqbal plays with a kind of grace and panache that I’ve rarely seen from someone in a United shirt.

I guess that’s the Bert Esselink redemption story arc now complete. Rocks up away from home to play against the team that looked like had ended his Dundee United career. And puts in a performance like that tonight. Fair play to the man.

I repeat. Our midfield is fucking class.

I always thought that I was lucky to have been born outside the timeline of Adolf Hitler only, for it to turn out, that I would exist during the timeline of this senile sex case lunatic, and around 270 million adult Americans thinking out of them all he should lead them. A classic case of swings and roundabouts, I suppose.

Just noticing that there’s been quite a few of my books sold in Germany this month. Wunderbar.

I think you can probably class this as a Hollywood ending from your man, here tonight 💣

Feeling kind of blessed at the moment that I get to watch Zidane Iqbal, Lyle Cameron, Dylan Tate, Abdellah Ouazane, Julian Brandt and Tolu Arokodare playing every weekend for the two teams in my life. Sometimes fitba just works out for you.

He’s been talking about this politician’s - Husted- arse for a week or so non stop. None of this is normal but the Shabba Ranks just crack on with this insanity regardless.