The Dreaded Re-Org

I've got so many fuckin portals on my home screen

Sometimes laughter isn't enough. Sometimes something is so funny you have to scream.

I'm calling it now

Transferring money from savings to avoid an overdraft fee

I must do a little landry. And a little dish. Every day. It is just the way of life.

Guys please, and you know I would never judge you, but please don't drive distracted because if you do you're gonna hit a turtle and then you're gonna feel really bad.

Stitches are like sewing for the skin if you think about it. Hit the "Follow" button for more quality tweets like this one!

Introducing the all new Toyota Fuck

It's messed up that my eyes and throat itch this much because the plants are trying to fuck

Yeah I know *blank* that's the homey (friend I don't have that much history with, but their house is very homey)

Tasjid is cooking here.

Why no vagina emoji?? What are they so afraid of?

Listening to Caroline Polachek tiny desk concert again oop

Everyone wants to say "let's unpack that" until you actually move apartments and then where are they?? Hmm?

Dudes will hear the first two notes of a ZZ Top song and just think "hell yeah" (it's me, I'm dudes)

I don't believe in "stud finders" any more than I believe in studs. Nice try pal, good luck on all your future endeavors.

Luckily every time I've walked into the bathroom while someone else was shitting I was only there to wash my hands, so