Tom Taylor

Uninstalling all the electronic stores' first-party apps after finally getting a 3080 feels like deleting toxic exes from your contacts.

At this point I can't even be mad. I'm just amazed.

Maybe NV is taking so long because they're trying to cover the spread.

I'm rockin' the suburbs, Just like Marty Robbins did.

1 night off and I'm most excited about sleeping.

It's not Christmas until I see Baby Yoda in a manger.

Came home. Took off my work hoodie and put on my house hoodie. I've never felt more like Mr Rogers.

New self respect who dis?

My body wash smelled better in the store than it does in the shower. #FirstWorldProblems

I try to be low maintenance. Turns out I'm some maintenance.

I was today years old when I noticed the irony of Ray Charles singing, "Let me SEE YOU shake a tail feather."

Why is there not a hot sauce called A Song of Ass and Fire?

Thought it would be smart to put my workout clothes and my food Tupperware in the same bag. #shortssmelllikechicken

If Palpatine is alive that means Vader's redemption and sacrifice are meaningless. I'm not *that* much of a nihilist.

I pulled a muscle in my neck yawning. This is my life now.

I finished my Fast and Furious marathon. I need to watch something smart. #Family

The scary thing isn't Owens' provable lies; it's congress going out of their way to not challenge them.

The best part of having my jowls packed with gauze is my Vito Corleone is spot on.

I've lost 5 lb since it became excruciatingly painful to eat. "Diet" ends Monday.

Me: I have to get my wisdom teeth out. Everybody else: You still have your wisdom teeth?!?