Stand Up Comedian. I still eat cereal and have the ability to say poop in an eloquent manner to other adults.
Joined May 2019
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Amazon announced a new bedside monitor that tracks your sleeping patterns. The working nickname for this device is “The Alone Again?”
#amazon #sleep #loneliness
It appears that scientists, for the first time, have cured a woman of HIV. When asked why the treatment took over four years to work, their response was, “because we didn't use magic”.
#HIV #AIDS #magicjohnson #allclear
A new study shows that blood from physically fit people can help protect the brains of the unfit. Much better than the original term coach potatoes, these people will now be called vampires.
#AnneRice #vampires #coachpotato
In medical news, humans are now a step closer to receiving pig-transplants. Even more exciting, doctors will soon be able to prescribe bacon.
#bacon #health #delicious
Houston Astros pitchers are looking for answers after giving up 25-runs in three games. In response to their dilemma, the general manager responded by proposing all remaining games to be played on trash-day.
#cheaters #houstonastros #trashcan #ALCS2021
My dating profile:
*I hate walks on the beach
*My sense of humor isn’t for everyone
*I love pineapple on pizza
*I like candy corn.
#marriagematerial #love #dateme
In Turkey, a woman reported her husband missing after a night of drinking and he inadvertently joined his own search party. Apparently no one realized it because the woman kept insisting he was dead.
#marriage #love #guysnightout #wivesamirite
Two scientists received the Nobel Prize for showing how our bodies perceive heat through touch. In other words, they received an award for rediscovering the word ouch.
#heat #NobelPrize #touch #ouch
California governor Gavin Newsom has made headlines again, this time with news of having written a children’s book. When asked the last time a governor had become an author, the Republican spokesperson couldn’t recall.
#gavinnewsom #recallelection #author #ChildrensBooks
YouTube announced that it has put a ban on accounts putting out vaccine misinformation. Finally, the platform can go back to having legitimate videos like the search for Bigfoot.
#asamatteroffact
Costco has once again put limits on customer’s purchase of toilet paper. Coincidentally, they’ve also reduced their offerings of free samples.
#nomoredingleberries
Amazon announced a new home robot which goes room to room and makes suggestions & recommendations to you around the house. The working nickname for this device is called the mother-in-law.
#amazon #AmazonAstro #motherinlaw #robots #spycam
RatedHComedy retweeted
I fucking love it when people on House Hunters International are like, “I’m moving to Europe for the slower pace and better work-life balance. I’m just so sick of the hustle and bustle in … Columbus, Ohio.”
