Sleight of Game

How can you NOT believe in God when octopuses dream and otters have a favorite rock they carry around in a little skin pocket and cows have best friends and bees are out there communicating the coordinates of flowers through dancing and they have regional dialects? Cats are purring at frequencies associated with bone healing? Forests get absolutely incinerated and respond by growing flowers? Dolphins literally invent names for themselves and yell them across the ocean? Penguins are waddling around Antarctica looking for the perfect rock to give their partner? CROWS REMEMBER YOUR FACE. THEY TELL OTHER CROWS ABOUT YOU. THEY TELL THEIR CHILDREN ABOUT YOU. YOU CAN HAVE GENERATIONAL BEEF WITH A BIRD. I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS. Goats have accents. Rats laugh when you tickle them. Elephants mourn their dead. Whales make songs and then OTHER WHALES LEARN THE SONG and suddenly everybody across the ocean is singing the new song. Monarch butterflies are born knowing how to fly thousands of miles to a place they have never been. Sea turtles hatch out of an egg, immediately sprint toward an ocean that they have never seen, disappear into it for like 3 decades and then somehow come back to the same beach they hatched on. Birds can see colors that we humans can’t see. There are colors out there right now that we don’t even get to know about. There are sea slugs that eat algae and use the chloroplast/chlorophyll and then are just like…photosynthesizing. And they’re super adorable. There are mushrooms communicating underground. There are seeds sitting in the dirt for decades like “no actually I will wait. It’s fine.” Squirrels plant trees because they forget where they put their snacks. Relatable. A CATERPILLAR GOES INTO A LITTLE BAG THAT IT CREATES ITSELF AND DISSOLVES MOST OF ITS BODY INTO ORGANIC GOO AND REARRANGES ITSELF, GROWS WINGS AND THEN LEAVES. WHY IS THIS NOT MORE BEAUTIFULLY TERRIFYING TO PEOPLE?? And you’re telling me a tiny acorn knows how to become a huge tree? It just has a blueprint inside itself? Your body started as ONE CELL. ONE. And that cell divided itself into a brain that can think about its own existence and eyes that can look at stars and hands that can hold somebody else’s hands and a heart that runs on electricity without you even asking it to? The iron in our blood was made inside a star?? We are walking around on a wet rock covered in bioluminescent oceans and singing whales and laughing rats and birds holding lifelong grudges and flowers exploding out of fire and somehow we’re supposed to act like this is a normal place to live? We’re supposed to act like this is all just a random, accidental sequence of events?

I think that Trump renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America is pointless and stupid. Wanna know what else I think is dumb? The fact left-wingers are triggered about this after they spent the last decade plus renaming sports teams, public schools and universities, streets and highways, food and condiment brands, and redefining half the dictionary altogether. Here’s a list of some in case you forgot: • Washington Redskins ➡️ Commanders • Cleveland Indians ➡️ Guardians • Stanford Indians ➡️ Cardinals • Loudoun County Raiders ➡️ Captains • Edmonton Eskimos ➡️ Elks • Columbus Day ➡️ Indigenous Peoples’ Day • Lee–Jackson Day ➡️ eliminated • Robert E. Lee High School ➡️ John Lewis High • Jefferson Davis Highway ➡️ Richmond Highway • Mount McKinley ➡️ Denali • Fort Bragg ➡️ Fort Liberty • Fort Hood ➡️ Fort Cavazos • Boy Scouts of America ➡️ Scouting America • Aunt Jemima ➡️ Pearl Milling Company • Uncle Ben’s Rice ➡️ Ben’s Original • Eskimo Pie ice cream bars ➡️ Edy’s Pie • Land O’Lakes ➡️ removed the Indian, but kept the land • Illegal alien ➡️ undocumented worker • Hispanic ➡️ Latinx (a term Hispanics did not want and do not use) • Mother ➡️ birthing person • Anchor baby ➡️ child of noncitizens • black ➡️ Black • Breastfeeding ➡️ chest feeding • Inmate / prisoner / convict / felon ➡️ justice-involved person • Ex-con / ex-felon ➡️ returning citizen • “Gender” as a biological fact interchangeable with “sex” to being a social construct • Fat ➡️ plus-sized • Master bedroom ➡️ primary bedroom • Manhole ➡️ utility hole And so on and so on. . .

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