Phillip T Stephens

A showdown between the world's most clueless detective and most sophisticated AI. The worlds first novel for Twitter, now revised and on sale in pocket paperback. amazon.com/dp/1732997306 #fiction #NOIR #scifi #darkhumor #humor #TweetNovel

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by Past Life Discount Warehouse. This month's special: 50% off would-be sports stars whose injuries killed their careers and now drown their sorrows at bars while regaling you with war stories.

Officer Dan examined the Snobbs’ house. It was wrapped in toilet paper.. Eggs ran down the walls. A bag of dog shit burned on their porch. Snubbs demanded what he planned to do about it. “Recommend you stay inside on Halloween, and not spraying kids with your hose.” #TwtStory

Bob sat on the porch with his hunting rifle. He turned off the porch lights and hid in the shadows. His wife stepped onto the porch, flooded it with light. “I’m afraid to ask why you’re out here.” “Hunting for pests.” “For the last time. Trick or treaters aren’t pests.” #TwtStory

Jack sat in the window overlooking the street. “I’ve never been this full,” he said to Woody. “I have enough candy to last us both for weeks.” Woody said, “Don’t count your candies before they’re unwrapped. You’re a plastic Jack O’ Lantern and keeping candy for Billy.” #TwtStory

Jan found her husband Jim watching the game and snacking from a giant bowl of candy. “Your children are crying. The big kids cleaned out all the candy before they got there.” “What’s the problem?” “You guys are thirty. You can afford to buy your own damn candy.” #TwtStory

Little Casper Dimm turned the corner on Mulberry street, the street with the best Halloween hauls. He admired his ghost costume. Completely convincing. At the first house the candy fell through his bag to the concrete. Billy said, “I told you that isn’t a costume”. #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: …Halloween

‘You've never done the TP gag on Halloween before have you?’ Oscar asked. ‘Why?’ Tim replied. ‘Because usually you TP someone else's house.

Clarice’s fairy godmother created the most delightful fairy Halloween costume, and it was a hit. She scored two bags full of candy, her biggest haul ever. Unfortunately, her godmother made the candy vanish because it was bad for her. From then on, Clarice preferred Goth.

‘I know you think children should be treated like adults,’Andrew said to Sue, ‘but cigarettes and condoms for Halloween is just too much.’

‘Are those real fingers in your cauldron?’ Jimmy asked. Mrs. Kettle asked, ‘Do they look as yummy as yours?’

‘Do all the kids wear werewolf costumes on this block for Halloween?’ Tim asked. ‘Don't know,’ Jim said, ‘but the neighbors are handing out raw meat.’

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are supplied by people who post on Reddit about the Deep State and Dark Web while looking for someone to love them.

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by Cut Rate PIs. Investigations at a bargain basement price. Results not guaranteed

Morticia stood on her porch and surveyed the neighborhood. Dozens of young trick or treaters wearing MAGA hats egging her neighbors’ houses. She would have called immigration to arrest and deport them but in Monsterville, everyone was welcome. Even pre-teen assholes. #TwtStory

Jane answered the door for a mother and four toddlers dressed as zombies. “How precious,” she said. “I have just the thing. Brain candies.” But the kids weren’t happy and ate Jane’s brains instead. Their mother posted a picture and tweeted, “Kids grow up so quickly.” #TwtStory

The old crone brushed off her apron and answered the door. More human kids. She handed out jellied tarantulas and pinkie-finger brittle. When they looked in their bags the kids screamed, dropped them and ran away. The crone leaned over and picked them up. “More for me.” #TwtStory

Elvira opened the door only to find a pirate, a princess, and a pony on her porch, holding out buckets and demanding candy. Once they were gone she shouted, “Honey, the human children are in our neighborhood again.” Vlad logged onto the internet to list their house. #TwtStory

Four trick or treaters stood on the porch holding out jack-o-lantern buckets. They were dressed as toddlers in pre-school clothes. Isabel Pires dropped apples into their buckets. She told her partner Bruna. “That was creepy. Trick or treaters dressed as our dinner.” #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: More Halloween…