Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

The last time I saw anyone as deeply in denial as Liz Truss they were being carried bodily into a rehab facility while necking vodka from a litre bottle and insisting they didn’t have a drink problem.

Discourage hungry zombies from attempting to eat your brain at Halloween by wearing a Donald Trump mask.

Don’t forget to stock up on sugary treats for Halloween. You’ll need something to eat while you hide in the dark, pretending to be out.

There has never been a better time to turn pale, rise abruptly from the dinner table, stare around wildly as if assailed by some eldritch vision of creeping horror, stride swiftly from the room, pack a valise, close the front door softly behind you, and vanish without a trace.

Hello darkness, my old friend. You're early. Fuck off.

Want something scary for Halloween? Try my chilling psychological thriller set in a remote Scottish island, where a dark secret lurks within a small community. (For extra chills, listen to the audiobook and hear my range of terrifying Scottish accents.) amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785632…

We're being told to stockpile for shortages caused by impending cyberwars. But what should we be stockpiling? Me, I'm planning to stockpile long tracking shots of eerily empty supermarket aisles, which will be in high demand from the media. I'll make a fortune.

The best thing about the clocks going back is that when you wake up as usual at 3am, paralysed by dread, you find it’s only 2am and oh god the aching void of night will never end.

I hate the clocks going backwards and forwards. When I was young, we didn’t even have clocks. If we got hungry, we ate each other. We were poor, but we were happy. Good times. Not that we had time. It hadn’t been invented. We had to make our own time out of string and cholera.

Some mornings you’re the storm, some mornings you’re the trampoline.

Very encouraging to hear that Melania Trump has brokered a peace deal between The Shire and Mordor.

Very strong winds now, and I'm worried about the shed in my garden. I've never seen it before.

Film review: do you like things that aren't like other things? Films bursting with creative imagination and passionate storytelling? See "Digger". However, if your idea of fun is another insipid Jane Austen adaptation, you probably won't like it. Taking no questions on this.

This is a terrible time to have a storm. They should have waited until the weather improved so more people could get out and enjoy it.

A storm is approaching. Batten down your hatches. If you don’t have any hatches, you can buy some from your local hatchmonger. And if you need extra battens, visit the batten-burgher.

For many of us, having the BBC is a bit like having a face: you may not like everything about it, but you'd miss it if crazed mandrills tore it off in the middle of the night.

What I lack in concentration, I more than make up for in hey what if bees could play chess.

The difference between Steve Witkoff and a jellyfish is that a jellyfish couldn't fit into Vladimir Putin's rectum because it's already occupied by Steve Witkoff.

We get it, squirrels. You have a lot of extremely urgent business to take care of. Carry on.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, born on this day in 1772, is still alive and kicking (but not the habit) in my novel, Dead Writers in Rehab, where he's making trouble along with Dorothy Parker, Ernest Hemingway, and other deceased literary substance abusers. amazon.co.uk/Dead-Writers-Re…