“Raaawwrrr I'm Fartzilla!” I growl as I enter the bedroom, farting my ass off. “What the fuck are you doing?” my wife screams. “You wanted me to be more forthcoming about my kinks, right?” “Yeah, but... Fartzilla? Like what the fuck?” “I thought you'd like it,” I mumble as I take off the fake Godzilla tail. “Why wou— What's even the point of this Fartzilla thing? Are you just gonna walk around the bed farting?” “Well... and on you, I was hoping.” “On me? You were gonna fart on me? And you thought I was gonna enjoy that?” “I... I don't know. Ugh, I feel dumb now. And I bought this stupid tail...” “Oh honey... come sit next to me.” I sit down next to my wife and she puts her arm around me. “You know what? The idea was dumb, but it's actually kinda sexy that you had the courage to go through with it,” she says as she starts rubbing her hand over my crotch. Before I know it, I'm lying on my back while she's sucking me off. And I guess the courage went to my head, because without giving it a second thought, I rip the loudest fart of my life. Shocked by what I've just done, I freeze and wait for her reaction. But she just moans and starts sucking harder. Harder... Harder... I come so hard I think I'm gonna send her flying into the ceiling. “That's my boy,” she says with a smile. Be open about your kinks, boys!

I'm so tired that I'd shit on the floor and rest my head on it like a pillow if it meant I could take nap.

Fat people confuse me. I mean if you're so planetary, then maybe it's a good idea to idk eat less? How difficult can that be to understand lmfao

India's shit piss river mermaids are feaky as hell bro

Dry humping the mattress until my wife notices how horny I am and let’s me hit

You're not a good person if you don't feel terrible after stepping on a snail

I’m at that age where I’m not sure whether to call females my age “women” or “girls”. The former makes them sound too old, but the latter makes it sound like I just picked them up from the playground.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it to find two men in uniform standing on my doorstep. “Are you Vincent?” one of them asks. “Yes?” “We need you to come with us.” “What for?” “We’ll explain once you come with us.” “Then I’m not coming.” “You have to come with us, sir.” I make a jerking motion. “I’ll come in your face.” The two men exchange a look. One reaches for me, but I jump back. “Sir, we’ve discovered some disturbing posts you made on Twitter, and we need to ask you a few questions.” “X,” I say. “Excuse me?” “It’s not Twitter anymore, fucktard. It’s X.” “Either way, sir, the posts were very disturbing.” The man pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket, covered in printouts of my posts, and starts reading aloud. “I would rather be fisted by an elephant than pay any more taxes. So as of today, I’m not paying my taxes no more.” I chuckle. They both look at me. He continues reading. “I hope they never let trans women into the women’s bathroom in hopes that one day I’ll be sexually assaulted by a big titty trans baddie.” I wink at the other man, who’s been staring at me in disgust. He shakes his head. “So you’re gonna need to come with us,” the man with the paper says. “I’d rather scissor with an Ebola patient than come with you.” “There’s no call for such language!” he shouts. “That’s not what your mom said last night. She loved the dirty talk!” “Sir, do not insult my mother! She passed away recently, and I shall not tolerate such disrespect!” “She passed away because I decided I didn’t wanna fuck a woman who gave birth to such a pathetic son anymore.” The man starts weeping. “Get it together, Wilbert,” the other says, nudging him. “Wilbert? Oh, so you’re the guy whose name she kept screaming during sex? What a family!” Wilbert turns pale, starts throwing up, and collapses on my doorstep. “You’re disgusting,” the other man says as he struggles to drag his comrade back to their car. “Not as disgusting as Wilbert!” I shout after him. “You’ll hear from us!” he shouts back. “No I won’t.” I slam the door. Problem solved.

If you want your wife to stay skinny, make sure to point out all the skinny women and call them fat so she develops body dysmorphia.

“Taking 50mg of zinc daily will make your loads huge” Nigga why would you even want bigger loads? Just drink water or beer.

you are very lovable, from a distance

I've been dealing with some performance anxiety in bed, so I've started asking my wife to put a bag over her head during sex so I can pretend she isn't way out of my league.

Your girlfriend can have a guy best friend as long as you fuck him up the ass like once a week. That's the only way.

Dutch coffee time

Duality of man

Mealprep for the next three days ✅

Why do black women like to glue their hair to their forehead?

I'm gonna start walking around in public with my pubic hair and balls out and call it meninism

You can tell kid's been to the zoo before by how calm his response is