☾ * ☁ . cloud

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what trans and nonbinary folk experience in the esports community. I hope this message isn’t too late, given recent events. There are many issues I could talk about, but I just want to speak on one: there must be an unspoken grief in being trans and seeing your idols vilify you. I grew up watching CS:GO. My favorite team was Luminosity after Cluj-Napoca in 2015. I remember rushing home from school to scour twitch chats and copy my favorite players’ settings. I cheered when C9 won the Boston Major. And of course I watched all of the Rank S highlights and can still quote the funniest clips from heart, even 11 years later (jeez im old). Esports was an escape for me, as I’m sure it is for so many of us. Yet, because I am a woman, I watched with dread as my escape was bastardized over the years by influential figures ostracizing women. I saw the same people I looked up to point and laugh and say people like me were inferior, that we could never do what they do, that we don’t belong in esports, that trans women weren’t my friends and were out to get me. That anguish and betrayal I felt from a community I poured years of my life into is exactly what trans women and nonbinary folk experience times ten. They are esports fans just like anyone else. They’re here as an escape just like anyone else. They don’t want to be treated differently from anyone else. All they want is the same respect you give any other human being. After asking for something so simple, so basic, they experience far more hate and rejection at the hands of the very people they look up to. All while already living life constantly vilified and questioned. It’s a shame we’ve allowed this radioactive environment to fester here. To my peers: I promise you some of your biggest fans HAVE BEEN trans and nonbinary folk. Gaming is incredibly diverse, and if you’ve played in front of a crowd, you know this already. They tell others how good you are. They try to copy how you play. They make beautiful art of you and your teams. They wake up early or stay up late to watch your games. They celebrate your successes and feel for your failures. They’re just like any of your supporters. Thank you to those who know this already. I promise your acceptance doesn’t go unnoticed. For those who don’t: It’s an incredible opportunity and gift to be someone’s escape in this world. What a waste to squander it. And to the trans and nonbinary folk reading this: you are welcome here. Existence is resistance. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.