@50FirstTates

just body after body busting out of shit wood and hittin pavement

 under a bridge
Joined January 2020
  • Tweets9.5K
  • Following547
  • Followers32.9K
340Media
Had to stop playing Mario Kart bc getting hit w the blue shell turns me into a fox news anchor I start saying shit like “So I’m being punished for being in 1st? It’s not my fault the other racers are lazy and didn’t put in the mf work like I did to get good at this game”
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Somebody asks me to watch their laptop at the coffee shop while they use the bathroom and when they come back their laptop is missing and I’m lying face down on the floor completely dead
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If you’re gaslighting me and I’m gaslighting you then who’s flying the plane
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i just held a british guy at gunpoint and told him to drop the act. he started talking reeeeeal normal
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if u are still making jokes as boring as these 12 years down the line i will talk to the devil myself and ensure friday plays on loop in ur hell!
Not Greg
@dogecoinmillion6 Sep 2023
Replying to @MsRebeccaBlack
Oh it’s not Friday yet.
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did y’all know about walks? u just go outside and there are like trees and grass and shit. immaculate
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my favorite thing about sports is how the players have to wear a little number so they can be brought to justice if they do anything evil
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The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m in the basement, drinking until I fall asleep. My wife is crying, begging me to come upstairs & watch a Muppet Christmas Carol with my family. “I don’t care if I die tonight” I whisper.
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them: teachers are turning our kids into communists [reality] student: wait when was the war of 1812 teacher: bryce i swear to god
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i constantly use humor as a defense mechanism so if u can’t tell when i’m joking just know that i also cannot tell
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“lollapalooza cancelled dababy” sorry i don’t speak italian
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if u ask someone how it’s going and they respond “another day in paradise” trust me they want to die
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them: i never got ur email me [completely forgot to send]: that’s weird i’ll resend it
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me: *pulls into gas station* google maps: and just what in the fuck do u think ur doing
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rule number one of gaslighting club is there is no gaslighting club what the hell are u talking about
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when i see myself on the self checkout camera
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Normalize going to a different dentist the day before your actual dentist so your real dentist just thinks you’re really good at brushing your teeth
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every car is a self-driving car if u have a brick and don’t care where ur going
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hmm should I spend 2 seconds clicking unsubscribe or 1 second deleting an email from this company every single day for the rest of my life
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Everyone's talking about how 3D printers are the future but we need to slow down, I don't think we really nailed 2D printers yet let's not get ahead of ourselves
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