If we’re going to continue to along these lines, shouldn’t the man who impregnates a woman who dies because she couldn’t get an abortion be tried for murder?

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Kyle Ayers · May 30, 2024 · 9:42 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Kyle Ayers@kyleayers30 May 2024

Imagine how guilty you have to be to have eleven Americans agree on something.

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brian kiley · May 11, 2024 · 2:12 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

brian kiley@kileynoodles11 May 2024

I come from a long line of very pretentious people according to the website “23 and I.”

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✨Jess Delfino✨ · Apr 30, 2024 · 9:54 AM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

✨Jess Delfino✨@jessicadelfino30 Apr 2024

Time stamps are such little tattle tales

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Just Bill · Aug 29, 2023 · 12:02 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Just Bill

@WilliamAder29 Aug 2023

I've done the math, and 97% of people who "light up a room" get murdered.

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Eliza · Mar 20, 2023 · 11:43 AM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Eliza@Elizadmatb20 Mar 2023

Instead of typing LOL or LMAO, I'm just going to start typing SALTS (smiled a little then stopped).

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GovernorsComedyClub · Feb 12, 2023 · 2:06 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

GovernorsComedyClub@ComedyGovs12 Feb 2023

February 24-25, the hilarious @AndyPitz is back on the Island at McGuire's! Tickets are on sale at GOVS.com #laugh #longisland #comedy #standup #standupcomedy – at Queens, NY

Image from GovernorsComedyClub (@ComedyGovs)

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Harrison Weinreb · Dec 31, 2022 · 4:00 AM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Harrison Weinreb@harriweinreb31 Dec 2022

I’ve never met a politician whose ideas I didn’t like. They do this stuff for a living so you know their views are bang on

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Michael Somerville · Nov 15, 2022 · 2:09 AM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Michael Somerville@SomervillePuns15 Nov 2022

My pharmacist likes to act like he’s a doctor so today I made him ring me up for my prescription and Chex Mix.

Laurie Kilmartin · Nov 10, 2022 · 9:01 AM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Laurie Kilmartin@anylaurie1610 Nov 2022

if Twitter goes down, how will people screenshot jokes, then post to Instagram?

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Joe List · Nov 10, 2022 · 3:41 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Joe List

@JoeListComedy10 Nov 2022

New Orleans is a such a beautiful city to stroll and occasionally sprint around.

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Jeffrey Levin 🇺🇦 · Nov 3, 2022 · 2:16 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Jeffrey Levin 🇺🇦

@jilevin3 Nov 2022

Perception v. Reality:

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Harrison Weinreb · Oct 28, 2022 · 1:41 AM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

Harrison Weinreb@harriweinreb28 Oct 2022

When poison expires, does it become less poisonous or more poisonous

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eddie pepitone · Oct 30, 2022 · 9:35 PM UTC

Andy Pitz retweeted

eddie pepitone@eddiepepitone30 Oct 2022

I finally see all the beauty around me!!! ( gunshot followed by a bloody civil war orchestrated by the oligarchs and their lapdogs. The violence escalates into unimaginable levels until the Ohio Lottery goes to 3 billion and a small man with rickets wins and unites the nation).