Craig Onin

I think the greatest challenge for a husband is to act virtuously even when he can't control his wife's response. Across hundreds of coaching cases, I've noticed that the hardest thing for many men has been doing their duties when affection, respect or even basic cooperation appears uncertain. Men who judge their own actions mainly by their wives' reactions desperately want their efforts to produce progress in their marriages. So when, for example, the same argument repeats, they start losing confidence that the marriage can EVER improve. Physical intimacy often represents reassurance that his wife still desires him. Its disappearance can therefore threaten him on a deep level, making him even more insecure. When his wife disagrees with his decisions, he imagines that he's failed to lead because, to him, leadership means securing her agreement. He wants his sacrifices to contribute to a shared good, and he wants his wife to recognise them. Her opinion carries enormous emotional weight for him. That's why her displeasure affects him far more deeply than criticism from his colleagues or friends does. But because marriage exposes habits that a man can conceal elsewhere, his wife sees weaknesses that nobody else ever gets close enough to see. And many of her criticisms are perfectly justified. Yet he can't make her appreciate his sacrifices. And he can't compel her to trust, forgive or cooperate with him. So he feels responsible for protecting his family while recognising that he can't control the very person with whom he must build it. And this is where his character is tested. The effeminate man lacks the steadfastness to persevere in a necessary good without the consolation of immediate results. He becomes resentful, seeks constant reassurance or abandons his duties in discouragement. The man of fortitude continues to act according to reason and charity. He corrects his faults, addresses wrongdoing and fulfils his responsibilities whether or not his wife gives him the response he desires. He understands that his wife's response isn't the measure of his virtue. And that's exactly how God uses marriage to help the man grow in masculinity. God may permit DECADES of marital suffering through which a man learns lessons and grows in virtue in a way he could never have done in comfort. And the man's great temptation is to make his obedience conditional upon God relieving his suffering. Through pride, he imagines that he knows better than God does how long he should have to carry the cross that his duty lays upon him...