Imagine having an alarm clock, except you can't choose the time it goes off. It also pokes you in the eyes as well as making noise. Oh, and it kinda looks like you, but smaller.

Me: Why are you being so childish?! Ozzy: Because I'm a child... Me: .......Yep.....fair enough.

This notebook sounds sarcastic...

Where on earth did you get that idea from?

The sort of message you have to send people when you're a parent...

I don't even drink tea, but I'm starting to suspect 90% of the cups of tea made each day are just an excuse to eat biscuits.

Occasionally I have to cycle the order of my clothes in the cupboard otherwise I'll just wear the same 2 sets of clothes forever.

Wife: I don't feel too good, I'm going to bed early tonight. Me: Oh no *switches on telly* that sounds like a good plan *turns on ps5* I hope you feel better soon *starts fallout 4*

Save the tape. You can see that the window opened using the electrics. Imagine if all cars could be unlocked by just pushing the windows down 😂

Then technically they are just 'days', and the days that are not 'days' are 'one of those days'.

A school light jog is about what I will manage 😅

It's not a proper school run unless it's raining.

Very good!

I'd rather set myself on fire than make small talk.

Technically 1am is super early... 👀

Every time! It's the rules.

You: Making memories with your family is priceless. Passport office: Actually....we have a price for you.

Jack: Can I have a pear please? Me: A pair of what? Jack: Why are you always like this?

I think my phone's facial recognition only knows it's me when I look slightly concerned.

🤣🤣

Sometimes I wonder what Americans do with all their free time after taking a whole syllable out of the word aluminium.