Annette Sweeney

I never understand those people who are late and say “hope I haven’t kept you waiting long!” Well, we said we’d meet at 9am and it’s now 9.23am, so you’ve kept me waiting 23 minutes. It’s quite easy to work out.

Cheap sunglasses: - Bombproof - With you for life - Could throw them in the ocean from a plane and they’d make their way home Expensive sunglasses: - Either lost or sat on and crushed within a week of purchase

“It’s a bloody nightmare” Meaning: Something is proving a mild inconvenience; typically used to describe slightly heavy traffic, or the internet not working “It’s not ideal” Meaning: Something terrible has happened and life is almost certainly ruined

I don’t know how to stress this enough to the culprits, but when you look at an item on a supermarket shelf, your trolley does not need to turn out across the whole aisle at the same time. I will continue to try to communicate this knowledge by tutting quietly and imperceptibly shaking my head as I squeeze by, and perhaps muttering “unbelievable” when I’m a safe distance away.

Some people: “Well, we need to be there at 10am and it takes half an hour to get there so we’ll leave at 9.30am” These people are not me. Where’s the extra half an hour for inevitable problems (or the extra 4 hours if it involves an airport)? Where’s the extra time for enjoying some peace in the car once we’ve parked? What if there’s nowhere TO park?! What if we want to stop for an emergency sausage roll? No, we should leave at 8am.

If Monday was a feeling, it would be: 1. Catching a sleeve/pocket on door handle 2. When your sock comes off a bit in your shoe 3. Watching someone sniff a bottle of milk and seeing their nose touch the rim 4. Finding a wet spoon has been in the sugar 5. Someone looking at the back of your trousers and saying “ooh, I think you might have sat in something”

Types of weather in September Bloody freezing Bit chilly Feels colder Mild Boiling hot So grey One extremely foggy day Bleak Barbecue tomorrow? I just heard thunder Very pleasant Listen to that wind! I’ve never seen so much rain Muggy Orange Damp Oh it’s hailing now Snow?!

I think the spiders in my house are now big enough to at least be paying some of the bills.

Apparently this is up for debate, so let’s settle it…