Firdi

@Firdflu 7pm tonight at Manning Bar at Sydney Uni – at Camperdown, Sydney

How come no one says "Day for it" before committing fraud. Then again being happy purely because it's sunny is kind of fraud

One of the most incredible moments in my life. @PeterTheJones found a burnt cd of @ReelBigFish, Cheer Up, in his hoodie & gave it to me. It's rare that u receive receive gift that makes u do whats written on it. @joegreencomedy @bokla Show respect to old burnt CDs & 90s ska bands

Queen Elizabeth sitting in her room, a single tear shedding as she holds the photo frame close to her heart and screams "X gon give it to ya!" #RoyalFamily #QueenElizabeth #PrincePhillip #dmx

The irony of Greta Thunberg's refusal of air travel is that her name does sound like a type of World War 2 plane.

Nowadays when people talk about cheese, they're referring to gourmet shit like brie, blue and Camembert. What happened to the classics like sliced, grated and dick

Looking for a Eric Andre ticket tixel.com/w/vfC

I would like to officially commend the man on the tram yesterday, eating a full unsliced loaf of sour dough from a paper bag, in a fitted suit. I would also like to officially condemn him.

Running a paid Masterclass in something that you've been doing for just over a year is like calling yourself a survivalist because you once did a shit at a rural petrol station. I need to unsubscribe to a lot of emails

Anyone wondering what's going on at the Schick office?

"Of course the royals are archaic figureheads and a waste of resources who have no relevant place in a progressive society, but I only spent 6 hours coming up with these 3 tweets, which can only help my online presence"

Sometimes I think rappers just make up words so they can do a rhyme

When I'm asked how I identify sexually, I always say I choose the hat in Monopoly

My twitter may have been hacked. If Ive recently asked to contact me for sex, then you know everything is back to normal now

Ducks are in constant existential crises because they hear people talkin about wristies at the pond but cant give them out

"Whats a word that that rhymes with ventricle?" is an example of a question that indicates you get a different cardiologist

The most important thing to remember when excercising is to take photos of yourself excercising & make a comment about pain and reward

"And you can log into your online banking account" is the updated version of "and you can take that to the bank."