Fancy in Wonderland

Boss: Why are you late? Me: Why you so obsessed with me?

This is your reminder to drink water. Mine is coffee. 🤭

I used to be in love with an Aussie. Wya

Health experts: "Make sure to have 4 servings of fruit per day." Me: *pushes strawberry garnish off the rim and into my cup* "'Consider it done."

Y'all okay?

I DO MY HAIR TOSS 💁🏻‍♀️ CHECK MY NAILS 💅🏻 BABY HOW YOU FEELIN’? 🤔 FEELIN ᵒᵛᵉʳʷʰᵉˡᵐᵉᵈ

Imagine cheating on me and I super glue yo balls to yo ass while sleeping 🤔

Idk which is gonna ruin this relationship first my PTSD or my mental illness 🧐🤔

Idk what to do with my phone without Facebook and Instagram 🥴

I'm honestly the sweetest person you'll ever meet. 💖 But if the last guy I dated was on 🔥, I'd watch 😏 while I sipped my iced coffee. 🙌

Call me a stack of milk crates because I am dangerously unstable

Has anyone tried this yet?: I HEARD A SIDE EFFECT OF THE VACCINE FOR MEN IS THEY GET REALLY BIG PENISES. 👀

Ok so boom, long story short, I need 12 million dollars.

People who use "🥺" are interested in stargazing and rough sex

If you have more than two psycho exes, you are the problem.

Fuck astrology, how big yo titties?

Gettin pretty tired of sending selfies to all my boyfriends every day. You think it'd be ok to make a group chat or sumn?

I'm drunk

You know what I'm offended by?? These gas prices.

Any man, all men, any man at all: *breathes* Me: QUIT YOUR LYING

I don't wanna date anymore I want to be a llama.