Michael Fish

WEATHER UPDATE: Isle of Wight now in Surrey #StormEunice

Man up, Gibbs. Seen more wind on a curry night with Kettley.

Morning @carolkirkwood. Just checked the Met Office Spectrum and it's all looking dandy. Want a chai latte from Starbucks? #StormEunice

Relax, everyone. We are keeping a very close eye on the satellites. There's volleyball on Sky Sports and some racists on GB News. Nothing unusual. #storm

WhatsApp from Kettley: "Seen the news about the storm, Mike?" Fella's off his tits again. Has gone downhill since his wife left him. It's just a bit blowy. #StormEunice

Relax, Schaferknickers. Me and Kettley looked at the satellite thingymebobs yesterday. Dry in the south, 18C, light southwesterly.

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING It's blowing so hard, Phillip Schofield is straight again

Weather alert: utter shitstorm incoming

Get the gritters out and fetch your 50-tog duvets. It's bitter out there.

Over 70s: just the one cardigan will do today. It's hotter than Carol Kirkwood in her Spanx.

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING: Storm Boris heading towards the capital. Absolute shit show. Keep pets and nannies inside.

April wasn't this sodding pokey when I was doing the weather. Just saying.

Watch out, folks. Word on the street is there's some snow on the way.

Amber Weather Warning: my dog's just taken a piss in the snow

Crack open the factor 40, there's a 32 degree scorcher on the way tomorrow, folks. What's that Kettley? Oh, scrap that. It's fucking farenheit. Always gets me.

Roses are red Violets are blue There's a woman in Luton who reckons it's blowy Definitely no hurricane on the way

Slap on the suncream folks, it's a scorcher out there. These Indian Summers are getting later and later. Must be the Greengage Effect.

Erm, guys. Has anyone seen the sun? The last time we lost it was after Bill Giles' stag do.

Weather alert: Dublin is now in Birmingham

Morning, Caz. Pop the kettle on, love, looks like another quiet one. nitter.gq/carolkirkwood/status/9…