Joined April 2015
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Doctor: "Physically, your husband is as healthy as a horse."
My wife: "What about his mental health?"
Doctor: "Well......"
Me:
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Her: "I just love a man in uniform!"
Me, picking up trash on the side of the road in an orange jumpsuit: "Well, the state assigns them to us, ma'am."
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All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to, well, you know. Back to where they came from.
I don't make the rules.
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In Heaven, I wonder if God will keep all of the denominations separate, organized, and facing the same way like I do in my wallet.
Do you think that the photo of you that will be used on your funeral program has already been taken?
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I ate two cookies at the Chinese restaurant before I realized it and now I'm afraid the fortunes canceled each other out.
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One of the best things about eating in a restaurant is imagining how many people ate off of the same silverware that you are using.
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Mrs. Peleg and I share everything. In fact, I love her so much that I let her use the teeth first when we eat.
Which is better?
0%Valentines candy
50%Easter candy
25%Halloween candy
25%Christmas candy
4 votes β’ Final results π΅βπͺβπ±βπͺβπ¬β retweeted
Also she is the most difficult person to sing "Happy Birthday" to.
Tu Youyou became the first mainland Chinese scientist to be awarded a #NobelPrize in a scientific field - for discovering artemisinin, a malaria cure thatβs saved millions. Today we reveal the 2025 medicine laureate. Stay tuned.
ALT A portrait of Tu Youyou in front of a dark grey background. The light is on the left side of her face leaving the right side slightly in shadow. She is looking directly into the camera with a small smile.
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You're all characters in a play I'm writing set in an asylum. Some of you have starring roles.
The @Braves are playing so poorly that if someone paid me to watch them, I'd have to give them a refund.
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Donβt donate your plasma. Itβs a big scam and theyβre just using it to make TVs.
Baseball is beautiful. It is romantic. It is indeed the best sport.
#AllStarGame #AmericasPastime
#HomeRunDerby
