@TheHatStore

wheelie popper

 United States
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Joined July 2013
  • Tweets23.3K
  • Following442
  • Followers2.5K
2.4KMedia
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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Andy Ryan@ItsAndyRyanOct 19
Child psychologist: Do you have any questions? Me: How did you get a degree when you're only six?
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This is why I stay at Hampton Inn. They get me.
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Anthony McHats@TheHatStore5 Sep 2023
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
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Finally!
KFC
@kfcOct 17
they’re gonna want a Go Bucket. even if they won’t admit it while you’re ordering.
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*relaxing in the tub* Babe, will you toss me the toaster?
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olive@offbeatoliv14 Nov 2018
me: what’s wrong with me therapist: [looking thru notes] you’re the worst
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Anthony McHats@TheHatStoreAug 20
a miniature toaster for cooking two lil smokies at a time
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Anthony McHats@TheHatStore19 Apr 2024
[uses a chopstick as a little bat when the hibachi chef tosses a shrimp my way]
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Anthony McHats@TheHatStoreOct 7
[after an argument with my wife] her: [seductively] let's make up me: um pixar did that in 2009
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Andy Ryan@ItsAndyRyanJun 8
[on my death bed] "Why didn't I just buy a normal bed?"
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Andy Ryan@ItsAndyRyanApr 4
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when another diner came over and said to me: "Can you shut up? You've got a very loud voice". I said: "My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn't that right?" And to her enormous credit she replied: "WHAT?"
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[after an argument with my wife] her: [seductively] let's make up me: um pixar did that in 2009
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sojujinbutsu@EdgarPoop1Sep 22
I'm pregnant with laughter and the father is me
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hanging out at urgent care with blue balls and no one here wants to help me
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your other mom
@difficultpattyOct 2
Humans beings weren't meant to endure this much two factor authentication.
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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterSep 28
Rating every candle on Amazon. "Tastes like candle."
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Stefan Urquelle@OfficeofSteveSep 25
Bring back saloon doors so people can make chaotic entrances
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I stole my therapist's notebook and every page is just those cool S shapes from the 90s
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fortune cookie writers are brutal these days
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