alina

I waved back at a stranger who wasn't waving at me. I now need a recovery plan that doesn't involve crossing the street forever.

Women can spot a sale from across a parking lot. Then explain how spending $200 saved us $60.

Finally wrote my will. My wife read it and said, "Cute. Who told you any of this was yours?"

COOKING TIP: If your rice is too watery, drop your phone in it. Rice has been fixing phones for years. Time to return the favour.

Me: "What's for lunch?" Wife: "Food." Me: "What kind?" Wife: "The kind you cook."

Every time a woman yawns, a man uses his imagination.

At a particular down point in my life, my mother told me "Remember, son, when one door closes, another one opens." I said "Mom, it doesn't work that way in jail."

Why do we always whisper when we’re looking for something we’ve lost, like the missing item can hear us and is choosing to stay hidden?

Me: Thanks for always being there when I need someone to talk to. My mom: How did you get my number?

Why does every human suddenly become an expert on traffic the moment they sit in the passenger seat?

[In the ambulance] Paramedic: What’s your blood type? Me: I’m not picky. Surprise me.

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide