NFL observations: -Joe Burrow dresses like a bisexual DJ -hearing Tom Brady swear feels good -great time to bet the Vikings don’t make the Playoffs -Mike Tomlin is the man -that 100% wasn’t Intentional Grounding in the Packers game -Jared Goff is a top 5 QB and the reason people deny it is because they’re jealous of his money and hot wife -it was sick when Troy Aikman got choked up talking about his friend -don’t call it Acrisure Stadium it’s Heinz fucking Field

No football players consider this fat.

Show this to your Republican uncle this Thanksgiving:

IN: -day drinking -40 minute walks -having a good interaction without asking what they do for work -if you’re having a bad day don’t tell anyone just hit the gym -Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper OUT: -breast reductions -apps to pay for parking -Thanksgiving in warm weather -bringing dogs to restaurants -calling your girlfriend your “partner”

1st base: sex 2nd base: pizza at 1AM 3rd base: Harry Potter marathon 4th base: tell her about your family member who has special needs

Mike Tomlin is the man.

They’re calling it the dumbest 4PM slate of all-time:

Massive W.

Guess the NFL team: QB: dresses like a bisexual DJ WR1: filthy WR2: would be WR1 on 90% of teams Coach: ugly TE: you can tell his dad is Republican RB: randomly the most important player in Fantasy Football the past 4 years Backup QB: down-to-earth baller who won a Super Bowl in the 2010s who you would 100% be pumped to drink 9 beers with at Chili’s happy hour

Banger (unfortunately)

Reporter: “Coach, thoughts on the Billie Eilish breast reductions?” Sean McVay: “Listen I mean you talk about self-inflicted wounds and shooting yourself in the foot and all the types of things you try to avoid as a football team… it’s one of those situations where you scratch your head and wonder what were they thinking?”

Kirk Cousins: -handsome -16TDS in 7 games -1900 yards -#4 ranked Fantasy QB -worst WRs in NFL history -0 run game -dances with black teammates after wins wearing their chains -definitely holds the door for elderly women -definitely spends 30 extra minutes with special needs kids at the hospital If Kirk Cousins gets benched it’ll be a sad day for America :(

10 seconds after this photo was taken he disappeared into an elevator shaft. When he returned his hair was disheveled and Lex Luthor was in custody.

Fastest way to lose 25lbs: -energy drinks -protein shakes -sugar-free soda -walk 45 minutes a day -lift weights 3 times a week -eat when you’re hungry not when you’re bored “But what about the cHeMiCaLs!?” -guy 50lbs overweight drinking an 1100-calorie latte from Starbucks.

Impressive he had the presence of mind to make this decision in real time this dude is definitely chill/fun at parties:

Imagine drinking a Bud Light Platinum here Saturday December 19th on the walk to your neighbor’s Christmas party:

Tom Brady: -bangs 10s -hotter now than at 25 -invited to 427 parties a year -$375M TV contract having the time of his life Gisele: -cheated -peaked in 2006 -married to a guy who teaches jiu-jitsu in a strip mall between a Boost Mobile and Panda Express -0 Super Bowls

Guess the NFL team: QB: Republican RB: got robbed of the Heisman DE: 147 tattoos TE: plays like Rob Gronkowski, looks like Hunter Renfrow’s drunk uncle Backup QB: corny but 100% a savage Minority owner: bangs 10s and won 7 Super Bowls

Imagine a 6-egg omelette here with hash browns after a morning workout on an NFL Sunday:

The plan: -gym -6 beers -Michigan-Indiana -grill burgers blasting Paramore -nostalgic conversation with your friend’s College friends about questing for pot in High School (you met 10 minutes ago) -bar hop for the 3:30PM games -dinner at a tavern for Texas-Ole Miss -fantasize about living in the South -go home and watch True Detective -take a moment to appreciate how lucky you are to be an able-bodied male living in a free country with gyms Coke Zero and crisp Fall air -order pizza