Keating Thomas

List of commercials I just saw in a row: 1. Don't do drugs 2. You need this drug 3. Don't drink and drive 4. Beer is awesome 5. Buy this car

Why are they trying to sell me on GMO-free dog food when literally all my dogs are themselves genetically-modified organisms?

How do I tell Netflix — no matter how tragic they make it seem — that I don’t give a flying fuck about Hulk Hogan?

Hey, @Jeopardy. There’s an error in this clue (where the correct response was “JAZZ”). There’s only one Z in the game, so the face value of this would actually be 19—with a meaningful (yet point-less) blank representing the other Z.

Trump is most certainly unraveling the U.S. Constitution. He’s systematically undoing the First Amendment, as we all know. But, more interestingly, he’s also reversing the Third Amendment, as a lot of major cities are now being required to quarter soldiers against their will.

Where do the hellhole city’s residents buy the plywood if there are no stores?

Movie elevators always have such great comedic timing.

Today is the shortest day of the year. Unless you're spending it with your family. Then it's the longest.

Diet Pepsi should be rebranded as Sawdust Juice®

💩

I know I’m now officially old because I don’t understand 75% of the Internet’s acronyms anymore.

So many movies might be more watchable (JFK, Oppenheimer, Lincoln etc) if they just cut out the awful cliché of having the historical American hero’s wife shrilly screaming at him over and over every 30 mins. It’s an insult to female characters and the actors who play them. Ugh.

Two definite great clear horror movies that weren’t sold to anyone at all as horror movies are “Vanilla Sky” and “What About Bob?”

I’ve never felt so young. For another 30 minutes at least.

I actually viscerally feel bad for people who make their entire identity about actively hating current politicians.

It’s sad how new-age “funny” is choosing general acceptance over truth.

Something that always confused me about “Who’s the Boss?” was this guy’s name. And I feel bad for his kid, who is probably named, “Rednecks hate you now, weirdly.”

I love how frozen yogurt places—where you pick out your own cup, you pour your own froyo, add your own toppings, and even weigh it *for* the cashier—then expect you to leave a tip. Um, no. I’d rather tip the machine I swipe my own groceries through. At least that talks to me.

If Tom Hanks really did eat babies, you’d think he would’ve started with Chet.

They should do a “Naked and Afraid,” but they unleash you out into Disneyland.

Who the hell was ever selling canned worms?