James Shead

Dear Muslims: My family and I have decided to move from the US to a Muslim country. We haven't picked which one yet—we're still comparing which one offers the best benefits package. All my neighbors want to come too. And my neighbors' neighbors. And all their friends. And their friends' friends. Millions of us will show up with suitcases and a sense of entitlement. As a large Christian community, we'll need a few small changes: Please start building churches immediately. Real churches, with nice loud bells, the kind that can be heard from the town square. We'll also need for everyone to celebrate Christmas, and to close certain streets once a year for our processions. We may want to gather to pray to our Almighty God on your streets, in your parks, or on the lawns of your mosques. We'll be an oppressed minority, so you'll have to be understanding and adapt to our way of life. Every supermarket must stock real pork, ham, chorizo, and bacon. And we're bringing all our dogs, so you'll need dog parks, and you'll have to smile tolerate them we walk them in front of your mosques. We want our women to be able to safely go out alone and wear shorts and tank tops. And when the weather's nice, we men like to go shirtless. We also want to drink alcohol, dance, and place an occasional bet at the horse races. While we're at it, your religious holidays are a bit too much; they could offend the Christian community, so we'd appreciate it if you'd discreetly eliminate them. Thanks. In schools and workplaces, our children and employees must be able to wear large crucifixes, say prayers, eat ham sandwiches in the cafeteria, and learn Christian principles without anyone getting criticized. We also demand chapels or Christian prayer rooms in every building, plus translators, because we have no intention of learning Arabic. If any of this is rejected, please send a list of police station addresses so we can report you for discrimination, Christianophobia, racism, and anything we don't like. One more thing: if my kids protest or burn your flag for any reason, please be understanding. I'll be sure to give them a very serious scolding. Finally, we all want generous benefits, free housing, phones, free food, and pocket money while we "integrate" over the next three generations. Working is optional, obviously. Be patient with us, you'll get used to it. We thank you in advance for your tolerance and compassion. After all, diversity is our strength! Sincerely, A Very Reasonable Christian