Miss Pokeno

PRESS RELEASE ON BEHALF OF VANESSA'S* PARENTS The Tragic Loss of Our Daughter, Vanessa* It is with deep sadness that we, as the parents of Vanessa*, speak out against the sensationalised portrayal of our daughter’s life and death in a recent article by David Farrier. We are heartbroken by the story that has been shared publicly and deeply disappointed by the way Mr Farrier has weaponised Vanessa's* distress and struggles with complex mental illness. We now are aware that New Zealand Herald journalist David Fisher is writing an article to amplify this further. First and foremost, we loved Vanessa*. She was our only child and her death has all but destroyed us. We acknowledge that there was tension and conflict between Vanessa* and us. We discussed this in detail with Ruth Hill from Radio New Zealand. The challenges in our relationships were painful and it is appalling that the details of the most devastating aspects of our family life is being used by activists to paint us as bad parents. Children often become very angry with their parents when we have to assert our authority and make decisions we consider to be best for them. We made Vanessa* eat when she did not want to, we took away her access to the internet when she was using it to take part in pro-anorexia forums, we took her to doctors and psychiatrists when she wanted to be left alone with her eating disorder, and yes, we had her hospitalised when she was dangerously ill due to that disorder. She was very angry with us. Doing the right thing by our child was often the very hardest thing. We object to the portrayal of Vanessa’s* struggles with anorexia, autism, and gender as though they were simply the result of our lack of understanding or ignorance. To be clear, Vanessa* was not “lost” due to her 'gender identity'. Her anorexia, a long-standing and deeply painful struggle, was the cause of her death. She was 30 kilograms when she died. That is what killed her. Parenting is never easy, but when your child is autistic, has anorexia, and is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, the challenges can feel overwhelming. As parents, we have always done our best, but the complexity of Vanessa’s* needs and the trauma she carried meant we often had to be the 'bad guys' advocating for her best interests when her mental illness was telling her to harm herself. We urge those who have shared Vanessa’s* story to focus on the real issue: that a 17-year-old died of starvation in the care of the state. It was a systemic failing of our public service, along with her school. They facilitated alienating her from the very people who loved her and put her before all else - her parents. Our experience should sound the alarm about the way parental rights are quickly disregarded by our government and school system. In all but a few sad circumstances, family and parents are best placed to advocate for their children and ensure they get the care they need. We were alienated from our child and then those who drove that alienation left her to die. We are disgusted that David Farrier and Paul Thistoll have taken it upon themselves to publicly attack us, labelling us as "bad" parents. These two men have no understanding of our family, no insight into the personal struggles we've faced, and most importantly, no connection to Vanessa*. They didn’t know her, and they certainly didn't witness the heartache we endured in trying to support our child. To have our parenting criticised by individuals who were never part of our lives, who never walked in our shoes, and who had no firsthand experience of the complexities of Vanessa's* struggles is not only unjust but deeply malevolent. They have no right to use our grief as a platform to push their own narratives or to vilify us in ways that are frankly cruel. Mr Farrier and Mr Thistoll are two opportunistic men who are picking over the tragic remains of our daughter's life like vultures. Our grief is as acute today as it was the day we were told our only child was dead. We will never stop mourning her and wishing her life could have been different. Mr Farrier and Mr Thistoll will have forgotten about her by next week. Vanessa’s parents *Vanessa is the name we have chosen for our daughter, to protect our family’s anonymity. ENDS