Ade Laoye

I lost my dad 21 years ago. My mum was just 40 when he died, and we were still teenagers. We lived in Lagos. My dad died at home. We contacted his brothers, they came, and he was taken to the mortuary. Some weeks later, we took him to his hometown for burial. His family members said that, according to their tradition, he had to be buried in the family compound. My mum was grieving her husband, and being the gentle person she is, she wasn't in a position to fight anybody. We, the children, were also too young to have much of a say. Initially, there was space in the compound where they could dig a grave and bury him. But one of my uncles, who was my father's immediate brother, insisted that my dad should be buried inside the room where he used to sleep instead. My mum was angry, but she couldn't do much. They had already been putting her through so much, even questioning what she had given my father to eat and what he had taken before he died. They even conducted an autopsy. Looking back, I believe my uncle's decision was to make it difficult for us to sell the property in the future. He wanted my father buried inside that room so we would always have that attachment to the house. But my question is, what difference does it make? Whether you bury someone in the compound or inside a room, does that mean the property can never be sold? If the family eventually decides to sell the property, the remains can be exhumed through the proper process. The existence of a grave doesn't automatically mean the property can never be sold. Years later, that same uncle died. Guess what? He was buried in his own compound, not inside his room. My mum even wondered why he didn't insist on being buried in his room the way he insisted that my father should be. This is why I find it difficult to jump into conversations about other people's family burial arrangements. I've experienced firsthand how family traditions, power dynamics and personal grudges can influence decisions during someone's most painful moments. So when I see people online making assumptions about a widow's intentions, accusing her of wanting to sell property or dictating where her deceased husband should be buried, I wonder whether they understand what happens behind closed doors. People should allow families to handle their own affairs. You don't know their traditions, their history, their disagreements or what they have endured privately. Your opinion might not change anything. And sometimes, keeping quiet about what you don't understand is the wisest thing to do.